I am stunned. I got a letter in the mail from my school loan lender yesterday. I am in debt towards my college education $36,416. The worst part is I do not graduate with this degree til December of 2011. I will be to my head in debt by the time I am done with my second degree. If I decide to go to law school or get my Juris Doctorate Degree I will only be sunken in debt! Well the good news about this is I will have a good degree and capable of getting a great job with good pay, good benefits, retirement and so on. Well I guess it is time to keep trucking with my education. The sooner I finish school the less interest that will continue to accrue on my loans. I am actually finishing up my last few days of this class and start my next class on Tuesday.
Today, I faced a fear that I did not realize I could face so calmly. I am 25 years-old and still have no drivers license. You might ask why. The answer is simple. FEAR. I have a huge fear of driving. However, today I faced that fear and just went for it. I drove and I drove well. I was able to push my anxiety aside. As I drove through town today, running errands, driving out to another town, just to say I made it on my own, I never had one anxiety attack! I just kept pushing through because I am my biggest obstacle. Only I can prevent myself from pushing through.
Got more good news, I start my not so much of a dream job tomorrow. I still have not heard back from the Sheriff's Department, but yet they are in bad need of dispatchers. Well I guess that is there loss, and I am sure God has a reason to have this other job work out instead. When I first talked to the owner of this company and he said to contact him Monday for the schedule, then come Tuesday her returns my call saying give him 7-10 days to get me on the schedule I honestly thought maybe God was going to have a position for me at the Sheriff's Department. Then today my father saw the owner of my new job, and he stated to have me call he needed me on the schedule now since he just fired this other person yesterday. So I gave him a call and start tomorrow at 1 pm.
I know working at a convienant store is not a dream job, it has nothing to do with my future career; however, it is a job that will pay my bills, will give me the leeway I need with my sons doctor appointments and so forth. Even though I have a horrible foot problem, that I am not supposed to stand on my feet for lengthy periods, and it always hurts considerably when I do stand on them for any length of time, I think that God has this all planned out. I believe that God will provide my strength, courage, power, and heal me of my pain. I am thankful for the opportunity to get this job. It will be hard to not be with my son all the time. It has been so long since I have worked full time and my current part time job, I could take my child with me, so this is a complete change.
The hours are working til late at night, which means that I will have to have my mother watch him during the day while I am at work, and keep him at night to so I do not screw up his sleep schedule. It feels as if my mother will be raising my child. I have been a stay at home mom for so long, it makes it very hard. However, my father has a great point. He stated, "Do not look at it as your mother is raising him, be thankful you have such a supportive family, that is able to watch him while you are bettering your family." He has a great point, I am doing wonders with my life right now. Finally, moved out on my own since I had Monkey, going to school full time, working one job, adding on another job, and still being a parent to my baby with his special needs.
Before when I would question why do I have so much on my plate, people would tell me, "God won't give you anything you can't handle." I always thought and sometimes voiced, "Why does God trust me so much?" I have come to the realization that I am not doing this on my own. He is not giving me to much.
God knows that I have a great support system that is there to help me along the way. My parents are there to assist me in becoming what I want to be. Helping me with my son and his medical needs. Carrying me when I cannot walk anymore, because I am lost and cannot find my way. God knows that I can handle it because I do have my parents.
At the end of the day I have a couple of friends that will always be there, just so I can vent and voice my frustrations. Friends that are my confidants. Friends that are supportive of what I do, giving me guidance when necessary, and always there as true friends are supposed to be.
At the beginning of today I had no clue how I would continue, how I could go to work leaving my son, and how I could afford not to go to work. At the end of the day I have realized that I can reach for the stars and nobody will knock me down; nothing will stand in my way. I can conquer anything I set out to do. The only person that can hold me back is me. I will not let my fears stand in my way. I will do more than survive, I have made tremendous steps towards conquering my fears, I will push forward.
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