Getting A Little Bit Stronger

Life keeps going even if we are not ready for it too. Have you ever just wanted life to stop so you had time to breath? Well it has been crazy since my last blog in June.

The short story. I moved on from one guy to another (Bryan) that I met in my parents drive way(June 2010). He just basically moved himself into my apartment(July 2010). He was a criminal. && of course I got scared pushing him away. I moved out of my apartment into a house with a roommate (September 2010). By October I was already talking to him again... However, this time he was in jail. I thought I loved him. But I loved the idea of having someone to love me the way he made me think he did. In November I finally realized he was a con artist. I miss him still/ but it is the idea and the lies that I truly miss. I can't live a life of what he wants to be while in the mean time he is not that person. Between me and you sometimes I think about him and how he is doing. I wonder if when he gets out of prison if he will get his life together and contact me. I moved out of the roommate situation on December 1st and into my own apartment again. So he does not have my address but he does still have my phone number. I know this because when he was extradited from the county jail to the jail in another state he called me everyday all day... until I finally got the guards to have him quit. I really can't stop from thinking about him. But I know how he is and hecant be in my life.

So moving on. The end of my year was spent assisting my aunt from moving out from an abusive situation to shelter, to a train, to near me, and took her to her daughters 6 hours away. So that is done!

Now I know I am going to jinx myself. I have been talking to another guy here lately and it isn't totally great. He and I have had a past and the past stands in the way a lot. Well we are trying to see where it goes. I care about him... a lot. However, I have to worry about me.

All of these guys have made me realize that I have to know who I am before I can expect a guy to settle down with me. Since I had Kolton I have been Kolton's momma. I lost my personal identity. I stopped everything that was "me" prior to being a momma. I always partied, drank, and partied some more. That is no longer my life. My life is school, work, and being a momma. But the question is who am I? I have taken the time to work through this and I have learned that I am a very strong person. I can withstand a lot. I can do anything that I put my mind too. I will graduate in December of this year with my Bachelor's Degree in Criminal Justice. I am a beautiful woman. I do not have to settle. I can get everything I have ever wanted or I will continue being me. I know what I stand for. I know what I want.

Now my question is when will I know that the right man has come along? Am I wasting my time with these guys that come and go? How do I determine if they are worth my time. In between Bryan was several other guys. None of who were worth my now or my future. Well I will continue with my blogs. Maybe I can do something to figure this all out. It would be nice to finally know the answers to this. I may never learn it. However, if not I will die trying to figure it all out.

Don't Understand this Feeling

I do not understand this feeling inside of me. Why do I always think the worst and be so negative? Why is it this way? Why do I have this empty feeling inside? I have all of these questions and no solid answers. He came, he left, and now I am empty. Well I am not really going to air out this business on here, because I am so confused. I am not sure what I want. I thought I did know, but he didn't make me feel like I was perfect. I guess when I have had the best it is hard to find anything that compares to that. It was surreal and then it just wasnt. Seriously, I do not understand. Oh well.

Grab Life by the Horns and Ride

So it has been a while since I have set down and wrote but I have been very busy. Besides it is not like I have a huge list of people reading my blogs. So with that said, for the one(s) that do it is high time I blog. So my job did not end up working out. Bottom line is this. I already had a full plate but wanted more (financially). However was suffering, and the most important I hardly saw my monkey, I realized it was not worth it.

So now life is back to normal. Actually I have already grabbed life by the horns and taking the ride. I first got my house cleaned. Then I became the mom that I was before. My son is doing a lot better now and he has stopped acting out. I am caught up with my school work and currently have a 100 in my new class. I ended out my last class with a 95.8 so not bad. I have started going back to church and am really liking this new church. It is called Impact Cowboy Church, and it feels like home. The pastor is down to earth with great sermons. He really gets into it and uses things that everyone can relate to so that you can properly understand it. Last but not least, I have started working out again. That is very important to me. I have to continue that adventure until I can meet my final goal weight. It will be a long journey, but a journey well worth the time.

I am finally getting my life where it should be. I have been doing great with school and being a single mother. However, there were things missing. First is my happiness. But I new to be happy I needed to start working out again and going to church. Working out makes me feel better about myself. The feeling I have after I get done with a good sweat is awesome. Everyone needs a closer relationship with God but I am starting to think that I was green broke and put out in the pasture. So I am changing that now. I have to learn to hand it all over to God and fully rely on him.

On that note, there is a special person in my life. He means a lot to me, however, it is a long distance situation right now. I am hoping that in the near future that will change but I will know in the next week to few weeks. I know that at the end of the day God has a plan for me. I feel that if it is meant to be it will happen. I think that we are both putting into this right now, and if we both want it we can make it happen. However, if it does not work out then that is how it is meant to be and I have to move on. I know there is a guy out there for me, but maybe I just do not know it yet.

On another note, Monkey had his sleep study and we should have his C-Pap in the next couple of weeks. He has his MRI coming up soon and we will know in 24 hours if he has a neurological issue. I am surely ready for those results.

Well it is about time that I go ahead and end this, I have some things to do before bed. So goodnight and til next time.

First Day at Work!

Today was my first day at work. I am going to attempt to make this short as I am hurting pretty bad. The pain level is definitely decreasing though so that is great. I went in today at 1pm. Everything was going pretty good until around 3pm we had Copenhagen fall behind the shelving. We had to move it out. One of the guys came up behind me to help stepped in front of me so inevitably I stepped back. As I did, I went to fall... And the guy caught me or I caught him something.. but saved my ass. But not so much the 20 12 packs behind me. Apparently when he stopped to help, he was on his way through to go stalk the shelves. So I picked up the 4 cases that my ass knocked off... EMBARASSING.. So I had to continue since my boss was right there. My boss didn't say a word... So I moved on and brushed it off. Till my boss was helping the guy stalk the shelves and one of the 12 packs had busted. I mean honestly, he should not had parked that many 12 packs half a step behind me... So my lesson is to turn around, not just step back.

A little later my mother comes through the drive through with my son and little brother. My son informs me that he poopooed on the potty. This is absurd. I have been attempting to potty train my kiddo forever. He has never done anything but pee on the potty, and now I am working and he conquers this big goal and I wasn't even there to take pictures!!! Then my little brother decides to start crying because he wants to go to work with me, saying I will work, PLEASE let me come work with you! Priceless!! But sad, cuz they are in drive through and I am inside, couldn't hug either of them... TEAR!

So my feet were hurting pretty much all day, but if I kept moving, the pain was easily forgettable. So training is over. I go back to work on Sunday at 9am. Not looking forward to being there at 9am. But hey I really do need this job.

Of course then the gas pumps all went down and this annoying beeping would not shut up. Then we had thunderstorms and the electricity went out. Of course the owner likes money and we kept working and selling...

Once I got out of work, I went and had a drink at the bar. It is nice having a bar in the same building. Helped me relax a little more.

So many people have no faith that I will continue with this job. Sadly, if I didn't need a job, I wouldn't stay, but I do. So I am going to stay strong and make it here. I can conquer all of these different things. Even though I do not feel as well as I did when I said I can reach for the stars, I still can, I still will. I have nice fellow employees, a boss that as long as you do what he asks and do not undermine him you will be okay. All you have to do is shake off what he tells you and just do what he asks. Not to much to ask for.

So at the end of today, I am exhausted. I am actually about to head to bed and cuddle with my Monkey. So with that said please keep praying for me and healing and strength within my feet. I need this job more than many people may know. Til next time!

It's All About What's Going on in my Life!

I am stunned. I got a letter in the mail from my school loan lender yesterday. I am in debt towards my college education $36,416. The worst part is I do not graduate with this degree til December of 2011. I will be to my head in debt by the time I am done with my second degree. If I decide to go to law school or get my Juris Doctorate Degree I will only be sunken in debt! Well the good news about this is I will have a good degree and capable of getting a great job with good pay, good benefits, retirement and so on. Well I guess it is time to keep trucking with my education. The sooner I finish school the less interest that will continue to accrue on my loans. I am actually finishing up my last few days of this class and start my next class on Tuesday.

Today, I faced a fear that I did not realize I could face so calmly. I am 25 years-old and still have no drivers license. You might ask why. The answer is simple. FEAR. I have a huge fear of driving. However, today I faced that fear and just went for it. I drove and I drove well. I was able to push my anxiety aside. As I drove through town today, running errands, driving out to another town, just to say I made it on my own, I never had one anxiety attack! I just kept pushing through because I am my biggest obstacle. Only I can prevent myself from pushing through.

Got more good news, I start my not so much of a dream job tomorrow. I still have not heard back from the Sheriff's Department, but yet they are in bad need of dispatchers. Well I guess that is there loss, and I am sure God has a reason to have this other job work out instead. When I first talked to the owner of this company and he said to contact him Monday for the schedule, then come Tuesday her returns my call saying give him 7-10 days to get me on the schedule I honestly thought maybe God was going to have a position for me at the Sheriff's Department. Then today my father saw the owner of my new job, and he stated to have me call he needed me on the schedule now since he just fired this other person yesterday. So I gave him a call and start tomorrow at 1 pm.

I know working at a convienant store is not a dream job, it has nothing to do with my future career; however, it is a job that will pay my bills, will give me the leeway I need with my sons doctor appointments and so forth. Even though I have a horrible foot problem, that I am not supposed to stand on my feet for lengthy periods, and it always hurts considerably when I do stand on them for any length of time, I think that God has this all planned out. I believe that God will provide my strength, courage, power, and heal me of my pain. I am thankful for the opportunity to get this job. It will be hard to not be with my son all the time. It has been so long since I have worked full time and my current part time job, I could take my child with me, so this is a complete change.

The hours are working til late at night, which means that I will have to have my mother watch him during the day while I am at work, and keep him at night to so I do not screw up his sleep schedule. It feels as if my mother will be raising my child. I have been a stay at home mom for so long, it makes it very hard. However, my father has a great point. He stated, "Do not look at it as your mother is raising him, be thankful you have such a supportive family, that is able to watch him while you are bettering your family." He has a great point, I am doing wonders with my life right now. Finally, moved out on my own since I had Monkey, going to school full time, working one job, adding on another job, and still being a parent to my baby with his special needs.

Before when I would question why do I have so much on my plate, people would tell me, "God won't give you anything you can't handle." I always thought and sometimes voiced, "Why does God trust me so much?" I have come to the realization that I am not doing this on my own. He is not giving me to much.

God knows that I have a great support system that is there to help me along the way. My parents are there to assist me in becoming what I want to be. Helping me with my son and his medical needs. Carrying me when I cannot walk anymore, because I am lost and cannot find my way. God knows that I can handle it because I do have my parents.

At the end of the day I have a couple of friends that will always be there, just so I can vent and voice my frustrations. Friends that are my confidants. Friends that are supportive of what I do, giving me guidance when necessary, and always there as true friends are supposed to be.

At the beginning of today I had no clue how I would continue, how I could go to work leaving my son, and how I could afford not to go to work. At the end of the day I have realized that I can reach for the stars and nobody will knock me down; nothing will stand in my way. I can conquer anything I set out to do. The only person that can hold me back is me. I will not let my fears stand in my way. I will do more than survive, I have made tremendous steps towards conquering my fears, I will push forward.

How Can You Love Hers and Not Yours?

Today had been an alright day. Monkey and me just laid around this morning, I had an appt this afternoon followed by the dreaded grocery store. I hate going to the grocery store.

So once we got home I got monkey laid down for a nap. While I was laying with him I was browsing on my phone on Facebook and came across Bretts page (Kolton's bio dad). I see now where he is engaged. Funny. The funniest part is he is serving our country in Iraq, which leads me to believe that he is home on R&R.

So I click on her profile. All to see a picture... I have to share this picture. She has a kid and this is the picture that I so dreadfully did not want to see...
For those of you that aren't aware, that is not my lil monkey. That is Brett and her child. My son has just a couple of pictures of him and Brett. He never interacted with Kolton. This for me was so horrible. My blood just started to boil. I know that he has signed over all his rights to my lil monkey, but seeing Brett being a father to this child is so hard for me. Maybe I shouldn't have looked. But I am the idiot that continues to let Brett back in our lives. He contacted me here while back and sent a letter to Kolton while he was in Iraq. Of course we still have not received that letter. He contacted me the other day via Facebook asking for my mailing address to send Kolton some stuff. Thing is he knows nothing about my Monkey. He has never been around. But I so desperately want my son to have a father I continue to allow this. All to be hurt. It pains me to see that Brett is having moments with someone else's child that he has not even attempted to have with his own child.

All of this makes me wonder. Did he relinquish his rights to Monkey because of child support (that he was not paying), because of his medical issues, because of his last wife, because of not wanting to be a parent, because I was a bitch? I really do not know. I can say this, none of those are valid reasons to abandon your son. All this and the army still has no clue of what he has done.

I would like to share Brett's bio from his facebook: "i am 22 i really think my life is going pretty good have a great family i have a boy who is 3 his name is kolton thats a story in its own but he is a great boy and i love him. i got the most amazing future wife i could ever ask for her name is britt i love her to death and our son haylen i love that boy as if he was mine and im just doing my time in the army till i get out and until then i will enjoy life." It is so hard for me to understand why he is not a father to the child that he helped conceive. This is probably something that I will never understand since it is hard for me to open my big mouth since Brett's mom (g-ma) and myself have gotten so far within our relationship, and hers and Monkeys relationship has gotten so much better as well. I do not want to risk their relationship; however, when do I say something.

Shouldn't Brett be attempting to see his own son during his R&R. I do not understand how he can say that he loves this lil boy as if he was his own, when he doesn't do anything for his own child. But at the end of the day by the law he doesn't have a son. But yet I continue to allow him to try to make connections with my son. At the end of the day he has seen him for 2 hours of his life, talked to him twice via phone... And well that is it. So I do not really know why this affects me so much. I know I want brett to be there for my Monkey. However, I wish he was really there, with out all of the excuses, and not because he fell in love with another woman's child and wants to have another chance with his own. But I guess life is never fair. So that is all for now as I am so upset.

A quiet moment!

I finally got a quiet moment. (oops spoke too soon just got the text ringer). Okay so back to quietness. All I hear is the fan going and the keys as I type this blog. Today has been a very rough day. Kolton was just into everything today. I do not know what his issue was but nothing was right for him. He never has days like this. Once nap time came he wouldn't even take a nap. All day it was one thing after another from throwing all his toys through out his room, throwing pillows off the couch, pouring out his elmo bath paint in my carpet, telling me he was gonna do something after I told him no, the list continues on forever. Finally I got my monkey to sleep. Then of course the phone started ringing about school. I am just thinking can't I just have a moment, just one moment to myself.

I love it at the end of the day no matter how rotten my monkey has been he still is so angelic when he is asleep! I enjoy these moments with him, whether they are when he is being bad or good. When I turned in my partying clothes for Mommy clothes, this was part of what some might call a sacrifice. I on the other hand call it my personal blessing from God. When my son was given to me with the medical problems and all he was perfect to and for me. God gave me my own little angel. I still wonder what would have happen to me if I did not have him. Would I have a degree? Would I be alive? Would I still be an alcoholic? The list continues.

At the end of the day I thank God for what I do have. It took me along time to become "okay" with being single. Since December I have learned to be happy as a single person and mother. It is amazing to me, that once I become happy with that, and happy with myself, how things can so quickly change. I am not going to jinx anything but all I have to say is the door is open to allowing a man that will be there for my son and myself.

So off of that, I am going to go ahead and end this one for the night. It is time to get back to my school work and eat me some molten lava cake with ice cream on top! Okay so not healthy but after the day that I have had, I think I deserve it!