Getting A Little Bit Stronger

Life keeps going even if we are not ready for it too. Have you ever just wanted life to stop so you had time to breath? Well it has been crazy since my last blog in June.

The short story. I moved on from one guy to another (Bryan) that I met in my parents drive way(June 2010). He just basically moved himself into my apartment(July 2010). He was a criminal. && of course I got scared pushing him away. I moved out of my apartment into a house with a roommate (September 2010). By October I was already talking to him again... However, this time he was in jail. I thought I loved him. But I loved the idea of having someone to love me the way he made me think he did. In November I finally realized he was a con artist. I miss him still/ but it is the idea and the lies that I truly miss. I can't live a life of what he wants to be while in the mean time he is not that person. Between me and you sometimes I think about him and how he is doing. I wonder if when he gets out of prison if he will get his life together and contact me. I moved out of the roommate situation on December 1st and into my own apartment again. So he does not have my address but he does still have my phone number. I know this because when he was extradited from the county jail to the jail in another state he called me everyday all day... until I finally got the guards to have him quit. I really can't stop from thinking about him. But I know how he is and hecant be in my life.

So moving on. The end of my year was spent assisting my aunt from moving out from an abusive situation to shelter, to a train, to near me, and took her to her daughters 6 hours away. So that is done!

Now I know I am going to jinx myself. I have been talking to another guy here lately and it isn't totally great. He and I have had a past and the past stands in the way a lot. Well we are trying to see where it goes. I care about him... a lot. However, I have to worry about me.

All of these guys have made me realize that I have to know who I am before I can expect a guy to settle down with me. Since I had Kolton I have been Kolton's momma. I lost my personal identity. I stopped everything that was "me" prior to being a momma. I always partied, drank, and partied some more. That is no longer my life. My life is school, work, and being a momma. But the question is who am I? I have taken the time to work through this and I have learned that I am a very strong person. I can withstand a lot. I can do anything that I put my mind too. I will graduate in December of this year with my Bachelor's Degree in Criminal Justice. I am a beautiful woman. I do not have to settle. I can get everything I have ever wanted or I will continue being me. I know what I stand for. I know what I want.

Now my question is when will I know that the right man has come along? Am I wasting my time with these guys that come and go? How do I determine if they are worth my time. In between Bryan was several other guys. None of who were worth my now or my future. Well I will continue with my blogs. Maybe I can do something to figure this all out. It would be nice to finally know the answers to this. I may never learn it. However, if not I will die trying to figure it all out.